Why Boundaries Matter in Healing from Limerence
- Orly Miller
- 5 days ago
- 2 min read
When caught in limerence, it can feel as if boundaries are impossible to hold. The longing for connection and the fear of losing the other person often override the inner signals that tell us when something is too much. Yet boundaries are one of the most powerful tools we have in moving out of obsession and toward healthier relationships. They are not about shutting people out but about creating the conditions for clarity, balance, and self-respect.
Limerence thrives in ambiguity. When communication is unclear or access to the other person feels unpredictable, the nervous system becomes locked into cycles of hope and despair. Boundaries help interrupt this cycle. They create structure where there is uncertainty. For example, choosing to limit contact, stepping back from checking social media, or saying no to situations that fuel obsession are all boundary practices that reduce the constant triggers keeping limerence alive.
Boundaries also protect our energy. Limerence can take over daily life, making it hard to focus on work, friendships, or self-care. By setting limits, we reclaim space for other parts of ourselves that have been overshadowed by the longing. In this way, boundaries are not about deprivation but about expansion. They open the possibility of reconnecting with aspects of life that bring meaning and stability.
At a deeper level, boundaries remind us of our own worth. Limerence often comes with the fantasy that love must be proven, chased, or earned. Boundaries disrupt that narrative. They say: my wellbeing matters, my time matters, my needs matter. This shift is not always easy. It can bring discomfort, grief, or fear of loss. Yet it is precisely through these moments that new patterns can form.
Healing from limerence does not require perfect boundaries overnight. It begins with small, compassionate steps. Perhaps it means pausing before sending a message, taking a break from idealising thoughts, or choosing to invest in supportive relationships. Over time, these choices add up, and the nervous system begins to regulate. The pull of obsession lessens, and the possibility of secure, mutual connection becomes real.
If you are in the process of loosening the grip of limerence, consider what boundary would serve you most right now. It may feel small, but it is an act of self-care and self-trust. These small shifts are what pave the way from longing into love.
My book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much explores these dynamics further and offers practical steps for building healthier patterns in relationships. It will be released on December 23 and may offer guidance as you move toward clarity and connection.
If you find yourself caught in patterns of limerence, know that you are not alone. With the right support, it is possible to move beyond obsession and build healthier relationships. I offer individual and couples therapy online and in Mullumbimby. Book a session here. For a deeper exploration, my book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much will be released on December 23 and may offer guidance on your healing journey.