Self-Sabotage in Relationships: Why We Push People Away

Self-sabotage in relationships is a deeply human experience. It can be confusing and painful to find yourself pushing away the very connection you long for. Many people in therapy describe patterns where they withdraw, pick fights, or shut down emotionally just as relationships start to deepen. Understanding why this happens is an important step toward creating healthier, more stable relationships.

Self-sabotage is often rooted in fear. The fear of abandonment, rejection, or vulnerability can feel overwhelming, even if we are not fully conscious of it. When we get close to someone, old wounds can be activated. If we have experienced emotional neglect, betrayal, or inconsistent love in the past, intimacy might not feel safe. Instead, it can trigger anxiety, leading us to unconsciously create distance to protect ourselves.

These protective strategies can show up in many ways. Some people become overly critical of their partner, finding faults where none really exist. Others may withdraw emotionally, becoming cold or unavailable. Some may test their partner’s loyalty by creating conflict or setting impossible standards. In each case, the underlying goal is the same: to reduce vulnerability and regain a sense of emotional control.

In therapy, we work to uncover the emotional patterns that drive self-sabotage. Often these patterns formed in early relationships where love was conditional, unpredictable, or painful. The mind learns to associate closeness with danger, and distance with safety. Healing begins by bringing compassionate awareness to these patterns rather than judging or blaming yourself.

One of the first steps is learning to tolerate the discomfort of vulnerability. When intimacy triggers anxiety, the impulse might be to retreat or push the other person away. Therapy offers tools to help you stay present with these feelings, recognising them as echoes of the past rather than evidence that you are unsafe in the present.

Developing emotional regulation skills is also key. When you can sit with difficult feelings like fear, doubt, or insecurity without acting on them, you create space for new relational experiences to unfold. Mindfulness, self-soothing practices, and grounding techniques are powerful tools that help you stay connected to yourself and to your partner even when emotions run high.

Another important part of healing self-sabotage is learning to trust yourself. Many people who struggle with relationship anxiety carry an internalised belief that they are not worthy of love or that love will inevitably be lost. Therapy can help you challenge these beliefs and build a stronger foundation of self-worth, making it easier to engage with others from a place of security and openness.

Healthy relationships are not about eliminating conflict or vulnerability. They are about navigating these moments with care, communication, and trust. By understanding the roots of self-sabotage, you can begin to respond differently when fear arises. Instead of pushing people away, you can learn to lean into connection, even when it feels unfamiliar or scary.

If you recognise patterns of self-sabotage in your relationships, therapy offers a supportive and non-judgmental space to explore these experiences. Whether you are based in Melbourne or accessing therapy online from anywhere in Australia, support is available to help you break free from old patterns and build the relationships you truly want.

Healing is possible. With insight, practice, and compassionate support, you can move beyond self-sabotage and create deeper, more fulfilling connections.