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The Role of Fantasy in Limerence

  • Writer: Orly Miller
    Orly Miller
  • Oct 7
  • 3 min read

Fantasy plays a central role in limerence. When we become absorbed in the intensity of longing for another person, the mind often turns inward, weaving elaborate stories and imagined futures. These fantasies can feel as vivid and compelling as real experiences. They give us temporary relief from uncertainty and fuel the emotional highs that make limerence feel intoxicating.


The fantasy may take many forms. Sometimes it is a daydream about a perfect relationship or an idealised future together. Sometimes it is a replay of a small interaction, expanded and reimagined until it takes on great significance. At other times it is a story about what the other person is feeling or thinking, even when little evidence supports it. In all of these cases, the fantasy functions as a way of filling in gaps and soothing the anxiety that comes with not knowing.


While fantasy can feel protective in the moment, it often deepens the cycle of limerence. The more we invest in imagined scenarios, the harder it becomes to stay grounded in reality. The person at the centre of the longing is elevated to a role they may not be able to play, which makes disappointment almost inevitable. Instead of allowing connection to unfold naturally, fantasy locks us into an inner world that is detached from what is actually happening.


Fantasy can also make it difficult to recognise red flags. When reality does not match the dream, it can feel easier to ignore the warning signs than to let go of the story we have created. In this way, fantasy can protect the illusion while keeping us from facing grief, loneliness, or unmet needs that might be driving the longing in the first place.


Recognising the role of fantasy in limerence is not about blaming ourselves. It is about compassionately understanding how the mind tries to cope with desire and uncertainty. When we see the fantasy for what it is, we gain the freedom to ask deeper questions. What does this imagined story reveal about what I truly want? What needs are being outsourced into the fantasy instead of being met within myself or in real relationships?


Moving out of fantasy does not mean losing the ability to dream or imagine. It means grounding those capacities in reality and allowing them to support connection rather than replace it. Love can still involve imagination, but it is tethered to the truth of who the other person is and what is possible in the relationship.


If you have experienced the pull of fantasy in limerence, know that you are not alone. These patterns are deeply human and more common than many realise. With awareness, reflection, and support, it is possible to step out of the loop of longing and begin to create relationships that are present, mutual, and real.


My upcoming book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much explores these dynamics in depth and offers practical tools for healing. It will be released on December 23 and may serve as a supportive resource on your journey toward clarity and connection.


If you find yourself caught in patterns of limerence, know that you are not alone. With the right support, it is possible to move beyond obsession and build healthier relationships. I offer individual and couples therapy online and in Mullumbimby. Book a session here. For a deeper exploration, my book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much will be released on December 23 and may offer guidance on your healing journey.


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