What Makes Limerence Different from Love?

Limerence and love can look and feel remarkably similar on the surface. Both can sweep us up in intensity, heighten our senses, and make another person the centre of our world. Yet beneath this overlap lies an important distinction. While love offers stability, reciprocity, and growth, limerence leads us into obsession, fantasy, and imbalance.

Limerence is an acute and disruptive state of longing for a specific person. It is characterised by intrusive thoughts, emotional volatility, and a powerful desire for emotional reciprocation. The mind circles endlessly around the other, replaying interactions, scanning for signs of interest, and drifting into elaborate fantasies. The emotional state rises and falls depending on whether attention is given or withheld, leaving the person caught in a cycle of euphoria and despair.

Love, by contrast, is grounded in reality. It grows slowly through trust, respect, and mutual care. Where limerence narrows focus and erodes daily functioning, love creates spaciousness. It allows both people to remain connected while also maintaining their own individuality. Love is not dependent on uncertainty or ambiguity to survive. It thrives on clarity, consistency, and presence.

One of the clearest markers of limerence is the way it idealises the other person. They are seen not as a whole human being, but as a perfect object of desire. Flaws are overlooked or rationalised, and red flags are minimised. Love does not require such distortions. To love is to see the other person as they are, to hold their strengths and limitations with acceptance, and to continue choosing the relationship with eyes open.

It is also common for limerence to feel addictive. The nervous system becomes conditioned to respond to cues of attention or rejection, producing emotional highs and crashes that mimic withdrawal. Love, while it may contain passion and intensity, does not destabilise in this way. Its rhythm is steadier, its rewards more sustainable.

Recognising the difference between limerence and love is an act of compassion toward yourself. It does not mean your longing is wrong. It simply means the form it has taken may not be the path to genuine connection. Limerence points us toward unmet needs and unhealed places within us, while love allows us to stay present with another and with ourselves.

If you have experienced limerence, know that you are not alone. These patterns are common, and with awareness and support it is possible to move through them. Love is still possible, but it begins with clarity.

My upcoming book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much explores these dynamics in greater depth and offers tools for healing. It will be released on December 23, and I hope it can serve as a resource for anyone navigating the fine line between longing and love.

If you find yourself caught in patterns of limerence, know that you are not alone. With the right support, it is possible to move beyond obsession and build healthier relationships. I offer individual and couples therapy online and in Mullumbimby. Book a session below. For a deeper exploration, my book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much will be released on December 23 and may offer guidance on your healing journey.

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