The Stages of Limerence

Limerence often unfolds in a way that feels both irresistible and bewildering. It begins with a spark, a sudden awareness of someone who seems to stand out from the rest. In those early moments the attraction feels almost electric. Thoughts about the person begin to surface more often, accompanied by daydreams and the first stirrings of hope that they may feel the same way.

As the connection deepens in your mind, the preoccupation grows. You notice yourself waiting for their messages, replaying conversations, or imagining encounters that have not yet happened. The fantasy becomes more vivid than reality, and your mood starts to hinge on how much attention you receive from them. This stage can feel intoxicating, a rush of excitement that seems to colour the whole world.

Over time the longing becomes more consuming. Intrusive thoughts about the person arrive uninvited, filling quiet moments and distracting from work, relationships, or daily routines. The nervous system begins to respond intensely to every small sign of reciprocity or rejection. A glance, a text, or a pause can swing emotions from elation to despair. What feels like passion is actually dependency, with the other person’s responses acting like fuel for a fire that never seems satisfied.

For some, limerence then enters a stage of idealisation. The person becomes almost flawless in your eyes. You may minimise red flags or ignore inconsistencies, because the fantasy feels safer than reality. This distorted view can make it harder to let go, even when the relationship does not meet your needs.

Eventually limerence often shifts into exhaustion. The highs and lows become draining, and the constant emotional vigilance starts to take a toll. Some people recognise the pattern at this point and begin to seek clarity, support, or therapy. Others may cling to the fantasy for months, years, or even decades, hoping it will transform into mutual love.

Understanding the stages of limerence does not mean you have to judge yourself for experiencing them. These phases reveal how the mind and body try to cope with longing, uncertainty, and unmet needs. Recognising the pattern is the first step toward loosening its grip. With time and support, it is possible to move out of obsession and back into balance, where connection can feel mutual, present, and real.

If you find yourself caught in patterns of limerence, know that you are not alone. With the right support, it is possible to move beyond obsession and build healthier relationships. I offer individual and couples therapy online and in Mullumbimby. Book a session here. For a deeper exploration, my book Limerence: The Psychopathology of Loving Too Much will be released on December 23 and may offer guidance on your healing journey.

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